Engineers are a class of people who can easily find themselves profoundly socially isolated. Often, technologists young and old will forego many normal social behaviours in pursuit of complex problems and their respective solutions. While this technically justified escapism is powerful enough to completely occupy the engineering mind, the lack of time and attention given to self care, relationships, and progress in other life areas can strand an engineer on a tiny island with his project and nothing else. While the dedication to his craft is admirable, isolation can have a profound psychological impact. The blunt and filterless communication style of technologists is also apt to crush toes, worsening social isolation. This is an article about struggling with dark thoughts with an objective and disagreeable personality, and how to move towards balance and stability.

Over seventy percent¹ of the engineers surveyed in a small 4,000 person study by the British Red Cross indicated that loneliness had a negative impact on their life and felt completely alone while surrounded by people.

While personal/psychological introspection is not a typical topic for a technology-focused blog, handling sadness and loneliness and experiencing true joy (outside of projects, which you cannot always be working on,) is an important and often brutally deprioritized aspect of a technologists’ life.

By posting this article I hope to share my story and help others like me.

We all feel alone and handle periods of deep sadness in our lives. Over the last ten years as I have found myself spiraling downwards in various circumstances with a variety of guidance, help, friends, partners (or lack thereof,) and worldviews. Although I still struggle personally, I am in a good enough state now to give some simple guidance to my younger self and those specifically like me about digging oneself out of a pit of despair.

Please understand that this article is highly subjective, with stories of personal experiences woven together to craft a narrative. If you disagree with an assertion I’ve made, I am happy to discuss your objection in the comments or personally via email.

If you are presently struggling, make sure you reach out immediately and honestly to your close friends, family, God, pastor, or members of your congregation.

The Human Context¶

I write this article as a normal guy, a Christian, an engineer, a protective big brother, a church volunteer, and most importantly a gentle and earnest soul trying to comprehend his world through conversation.

Constantly, I am reminded through failure that there are no instantaneous solutions for resolving deep psychologial problems, nor can you avoid pain. What I can deliver here and now is potential insight into the specifically masculine aspects of dealing with a world which seems entirely set against you and your goals. A time and place controlled with varying success by the enemy. I considered titling this article “Struggling with Profound Sadness” as I have no magic 1-step formula for resolving persistent low feelings, like I wish I had back in my darker days. What I can promise is a choose-your-own-adventure type assemblage you can use in parts to begin your healing journey.

Raised as an atheist, I slowly moved towards Christ during my time at the University of Ottawa, and upon returning home, have become a full and deep believer in the Christian God and life-framework. This was a five year journey that started with me noticing and acting on deep gut feelings, or Socrates’ daemons, continued as I noted that the Bible contained all the parables and warnings describing these deep and real phenomena, to finally realizing that there was no difference between the reality of these phenomena (in the rewards and consequences of following scripture,) and the existence of the living God himself.

Today, I believe that you must either begin a relationship with Jesus Christ (and not with the flaws of a human institution or religion,) and find like-minded believers within a good congregation, or risk having yourself be implicitly and often maliciously programmed by all of the negative and chaotic influences we are surrounded by in our technology-driven lives. It is clear to me that there are a great variety of bad actors attempting to program humanity, and it is a supremely difficult task to individually undertake to sort through the noise to find truth. Considering this, I have personally chosen to lean heavily on the core of Christianity as a foundation for my worldview and thinking. Though no belief system has been left unsubverted in this fallen world, the quality of people I find myself surrounded by at the church I have found gives me hope for the future and the people themselves give good counsel.

The Unique Burden of Normal Men¶

To preface this section, know I place our society’s fall from grace squarely on the shoulders of us men. The general loss of virtue, lowering of standards, and acceptance of evil as it infiltrated and destroyed our society, including our young men and women, can only ultimately be placed on the shoulders of the men who enabled it all for easy living and immediate pleasure. We are the pillars of society, we can enable loose women or embrace those who are virtuous, and though this smacks of extreme ownership, we have only ourselves to blame for allowing the widespread societal decay we are witnessing today. The silver lining is we only have to assertively stand to take it all back.

At the fall, God chastised Adam for listening to his wife and following her instruction without thinking. For this action, mankind fell.

¹⁷To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’ Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. ¹⁸It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. ¹⁹By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.”

– Genesis 3:17-20 (NIV)

All this to say: You cannot behave in a thoughtless manner, as your choices have a great impact on not just your own life, but the world around you. As a man you do not have a card to play to shirk responsibility for your actions. God did not say to Adam “It’s no problem, I understand you were convinced by your wife, who was deceived.” God punished Adam regardless of the circumstance for disobeying a rule he had commanded him to keep.

Recently a woman named Norah Vincent took her own life via assisted suicide on July 6th in Switzerland. (Rest in peace, Norah.) She was the author of a book titled Self Made Man, where she chronicled a two year period during which she disguised herself as “Ned” and lived as if she were a man. Notably, she had to stop her experiment after eighteen months due to the profoundly negative experience of living as a normal guy. In attempting to prove how easy the lives of men were, Norah found that men were treated horrifically by women, and had to end her experiment due to the psychological impact of her vicious treatment by other women.

The challenges men face are largely invisible to women, and while the opposite is likely also true, an overabundance of feminine influence in the lives of young men means they do not receive enough counselling on how to face their uniquely masculine trials. It takes both male and female influence to raise a well adjusted child, and today’s young men are sorely lacking positive, assertive masculine influence.

Within this tragic environment of imbalanced gender influence, men are faced with many sets of double standards. A great deal of these rest on falsehoods and lies inserted into the mainstream consciousness by bad actors and unfortunately perpetrated by women who aren’t aware of the damaging side effects. Women teaching men how to act and behave towards other women without a male counter-narrative is likely one of the greatest challenges young men must overcome to lead a healthy and fulfilling life. Adding injury, this system dominated by female thinking is not helping women either:

"[…] trends in self‐reported subjective well‐being indicate that women are less happy today than they were in the 1970s. This finding of a decline in women’s well‐being, both absolutely and relatively to that of men, raises questions about whether modern social constructs have made women worse off, or alternatively about the interpretability of subjective well‐being data analyzed over long‐ time periods."²

Without masculine counterbalances, human or divine, the advice of a woman will invevitably twist a man into an unreliable and selfish fiend. A headline posted by the Onion in 2019 reads: “Woman Didn’t Know Progress On Toxic Masculinity Would Turn Boyfriend Into Such A Weepy Little Pansy.”³ Directly applying feedback from women on what a man should be, rather than paying attention to the qualities they seek out and what is good and virtuous, is an easy path to the sediment at the bottom of the dating pool.

Even with an intact family and plenty of male role models around, these bad narratives have damaged generations of men, leading to a completely emasculated upbringing for boys despite a present father figure.

This problem is greatly exacerbated by the rise in single motherhood and the majority-female body of public school educators; young men have fewer strong male role models available than ever before. From my observations, women are attracted to men who wholly fit their definition of “toxic masculinity” while keeping those traits under fine control. Not rude, but firm. Not too aggressive, but powerful. Confident and level-headed, with a sense of purpose and a vision for his future. Capable of inflicting horrific damage, but virtuous and good. By focusing only on the negative effects of great strength without control, and by trying to stunt the raw strength of men, progress on Toxic Masculinity will only result in the raising of men who are weak, harmless, and the very antithesis of good.

This goodness that women desire is noted in the third Beatitude of Jesus: “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.”⁴ Meekness is often maliciously mistranslated to mean weak and powerless, but it could not be further from that, as the original Greek suggests the taming of a wild animal, such that great power is placed under control. Greeks would use the word meek to refer to their immense war horses – huge, powerful animals trained to be incredibly responsive, have no fear, and respond without question. Meek truthfully refers to being powerful, dangerous even, while submitting all authority to God.

In addition to the corrupted teachings modern men receive, the same bad actors have also tried to crush opportunities for men in society and the workplace. Our countries have been transformed to accommodate every class of people before normal men. People with a variety of traits and/or disorders are allowed to have special programs and rules to benefit them exclusively, from scholarships to hiring practices to attaining building permits and speaking roles. There is almost nothing that can publically cater exclusively to normal men without being condemned as exclusionary, despite the fact that normal guys form the backbone of our society. No matter how many desk jobs we fill, the people who work infrastructure maintenance jobs - power, water, sewage, roads, garbage collection, are normal men.

Make no mistake, normal men are underappreciated and under attack. It is completely normal to feel the impact of these organized efforts by a clear enemy to demean and recontextualize not only our normal operation, but women too. Because we cannot organize in public, I highly recommend going offline and building tight, activity-focused groups in private, beyond the disgusting prying fingers of bureaucratic busybodies and establishment-enabled weaklings drunk on unholy power.

Taken together, the current state of society has a profoundly negative impact on the health and mental wellbeing of normal dudes, and we largely choose to face these problems alone, for reasons that will be discussed in future sections.

The Social Impact of Revealing Sadness¶

It is naturally very difficult for men to speak about their inner thoughts, pain, emotions, and problems. To speak about them too freely in the wrong setting has social consequences and will often leave the speaker more isolated than they were previously. While the phrase “man up” and accompanying sentiment is often cast in a negative light, and it is certainly true that men ought to confide in their life partners and close friends about their struggles, men must walk a fine line and be cautious about when to discuss their feelings due to the inherent weakness discussing those feelings reveals.

Personally, I have been badly burned before by both failing to express my inner thoughts and expressing my inner thoughts too soon.

I recall a time during University when I spent a good two months speaking over the phone with a girl, who I got to know very well. I spoke for far longer than the minutes I was assigned in my cell phone plan and was stung with a heap of additional charges, which I was fine with; it was worth it. The second or third time I met her in person, she was asking some fairly tough questions about my relationship with my family, and while answering those questions I ended up in a state of total catharsis, curled up with my head in her lap while she stroked my hair. The relationship changed completely after that.

To fall apart completely was a huge relief, but had consequences. She no longer viewed me as a potential partner or boyfriend material, but as a sad and broken thing only to receive friendship and pity. I had opened up far too soon, as I was struggling with something great. As I had already formed an attachment to this girl, I was left feeling very alone at a time when I was desperately searching for support, and I figure this unfulfilled need was what made me so incredibly unattractive to her at the time.

Girls who are not already invested will immediately be uninterested in you as a partner if they see you fall apart, especially if you reveal a vulnerability or ongoing issue too early. You’ll be likened to a faulty project car. While unfair, this feminine biological mechanism exists for a reason: as a Man, you should be expected to be able to hold together under great pressure. To stand firm in difficult times.

Especially as an engineer, with middle to lower tier social skills, negative thoughts may be trapped forever if steps are not taken to find or curate an environment where such things can be discussed. If left undiscussed, these thoughts tend to fester and manifest in strange ways.

Like the previous section, a solution to this dilemma is to regularly hit the gym and attend a church, and to build close relationships with other men (ideally in the context of a shared hobby or physical activity,) who you can be profoundly honest with. Iron sharpeth iron.⁵

A Story about Seeking Help¶

During my worst period of depression I sought help through the University. After the death of a grandparent and a major breakup, the world had turned monochromatic and it was a Sisyphean effort to leave bed in the cold Ottawa mornings. With limited funds, I called through a list of inexpensive student resources until I found one who would take me in a few weeks time.

It was strange, though: the service was offered at the Assumption Parish Church, which was luckily only a few blocks from where I lived. At the time I was not religious, but wasn’t going to turn down help when offered.

The two sessions I attended in the back of that church cost $5 and were run by Catholic Family Services Ottawa and one Benslyne Avril, who at the time was completing her MEd in Psychotherapy. Searching for her name, I can see she graduated from uOttawa in 2018 and practices in Ottawa today. I don’t remember much about our conversations. I just talked through what I saw as my problems, and she listened. One thing I remember vividly is a small question she asked: “are you a practicing Christian?”

I replied that I was not, but the question stuck. I had received help and good counseling from a Christian woman due to the goodness of a Christian institution in a time of extreme need. I was very thankful for this at the time.

Although I only saw that counselor twice (she was volunteering her time to help students like me,) the sessions marked the start of a much deeper pursuit of introspection and foundational personal change, having me arrive at revelations while walking back and forth to grab groceries from the Freshco across McArthur Avenue. This counseling, along with discussions about the faith with a select few of my peers over the next three years, would eventually turn me to Christ.

I look back now and marvel at the miracles that have been at work in my life.

⁷Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: ⁸For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

– Matthew 7:7-8 (KJV)

Evil Influences¶

You become what you give your attention to. If you yourself do not choose what thoughts and images you expose yourself to, someone else will, and their motives may not be the highest.

– Epictetus

Your attention is valuable, and the fight to control it is harming you. Living in 2022, we are surrounded by devices that feed us augmented and entirely false versions of reality for a variety of reasons. Primarily and most notably, these realities are just optimized to maximize ad revenue by keeping you maximally engaged and spending time on the platform, regardless of the social cost. Time spent also equates to behavior data, which can be exploited to improve the platform, or sold to other companies.

Worse still, these platforms are leveraged by ‘bad actors’ - special interest groups, NGOs, and corporations - to literally control what you think. Though this is nothing new, the speed and scale of indoctrination has been massively increased by the delivery method of social media on smartphones. Fake users, biased ranking algorithms, targeted advertising, bot accounts, and advanced behavioural analytics are all utilized to learn about and control you.

It has gotten to the point where time spent engaging in these augmented realities has eclipsed time spent interacting normally so severely that people of all ages are experiencing profound psychological dysfunction. Ludicrously vertical social heirarchies make young women in particular feel horrifically behind and flawed when they are exposed to a mirror world where everybody but them is perfect.

To entirely disconnect from these realities means you also disconnect from your friends and loved ones who use the platforms to communicate, ultimately socially isolating yourself. A thoughtful decision must be made as to which platforms to use, what parts of each platform are good, and which are apt to control you. A conscious choice must be made to cease using platforms which can slowly and subtly manipulate you into believing whatever they are paid to make you think. To believe you can resist all the subliminal messaging is pure arrogance.

Alone by Default¶

God said “It is not good that the man should be alone”,⁶ though we typically are.

More than anybody else, men are islands. Some of us are lucky and have supportive families, and others do not. Even with friends and family, men are largely left to struggle with the world and win or lose independently. The instinctive drive for men to win or lose as an individual, even while functioning within a team, may be a biologically driven phenomenon.

Men can choose to have relationships with women, with friends, with family, and with God. Ultimately it is up to each man to build the relationships he needs.

Gurus, Grifters, Frauds, Thieves¶

The unfortunate circumstances we men find ourselves in today, which only exist due to our own societal fall from grace (which is ultimately the fault of men,) is fertile ground for leeches who can drip-feed the smallest amounts of basic wisdom to amass great followings and wealth. This speaks more to the lack of good masculine characters present in our lives than anything else.

While having dinner with a younger friend, he sang the praises of a guy named Andrew Tate who was, according to him, “bringing back traditional masculinity.” Even the most cursory glance at this guy reveals a trove of scamming stories and other underhanded behaviour, from running webcam studios of women telling sob stories, to running Hustler’s University, a transparent pyramid scheme. Taking advantage of lonely imbiciles is not virtuous, but it can get you a Lamborghini.

While he says plenty of true things, this guy isn’t a good role model, doesn’t manifest the fruits of the spirit, and has a handful of rape charges to boot. The fact that he is so popular speaks to the absolute failure of the last generation to provide mentorship, training, guidance, and good social environments.

Assemble Your Solution¶

Given this set of circumstances, a young man has a few methods to leverage:

1. Self Improvement
2. Antidepressants
3. Leverage Family
4. Leverage Community
5. Salvation Through Christ

Some of these can be used in combination successfully.

Attempting to use any of these is far better than taking the easy way out. By all accounts, suicide is a tragic way to end your walk on earth. Men in particular show fewer warning signs than Women.⁷

While suicide breaks the sixth commandment, there is not a single broken commandment that Jesus cannot forgive. “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”⁸

While you may regularly have thoughts of killing yourself to end your pain, it is important not to act on them. Life will get better. You must endure the pain, as it will strengthen you.

Take heart; God will not give you a trial you are unable to handle.⁹

Self Improvement¶

Here, self improvement encompasses everything involved with reading self help books, self care, starting to exercise, beginning new personal hobbies, and following the advice of self help gurus.

Lifting, as in weightlifting or bodybuilding, is one of the most valuable tools in the self improvement toolbox. With clear instructions, easy and rapid proof of progress, and many physical and psychological benefits, lifting is undoubtedly one of the best ways to begin crushing depression. Joining any sort of gym, fitness club, or reputable and harsh martial art centre is an excellent first step to sorting yourself out.

Sculpting your body into an ideal form builds discipline and self respect. In large letters, my gym has printed above the mirrors: “THERE ARE NO WOUNDS THAT IRON CAN’T HEAL” – I guess they know their clientele.

Jordan Peterson is notable in that he’s probably made hundreds of millions of dollars selling his books and courses to young men like me. I bought a copy of 12 Rules for Life and gave it to my brother, encouraging him to read it. Figures like Jordan Peterson, who encourage self care, building skills, developing self love, and other practical individual-focused advice are an amazing first step for men in the doldrums. Unfortunately, many of the ideas preached within radical individualism are antithetical to building strong and healthy communities. With a heavy focus on the individual, figures like Jordan Peterson put their readership and their communities at a disadvantage to any other community that organizes for its own benefit. Still, an excellent starting point for those with no direction.

I was also helped along by Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” which proclaims the stoic philosophy of only caring about things that are within your personal control. I know at least one other engineer who was helped immensely by this book, though now I view it as childish and generic.

These self help books do contain ideas that are immensely helpful to those who have just set out on their self-actuation journey. The important thing is to build upon and move beyond these guidelines once you have taken away the important lessons that are applicable to your life.

Weightlifting alone is not a complete solution, and focusing only on self improvement will leave you vulnerable to ignoring important external battles that must also be fought. However, in a dire situation, reading these books, applying the lessons, and lifting weights are one of the first steps that should be taken to climb out of depression.

Antidepressants¶

Vulnerable men who are facing depression and suicidal thoughts are preyed upon by pharmaceutical companies selling SSRIs. While they clear up symptoms, they do not solve the root cause, leaving men reliant for years.

Recently it was found that serotonin levels in the brain, the so-called “chemical imbalance” that was foundational to the marketing and popularization of a wide variety of pharmaceutical antidepressants in the 80s had no direct link to the actual treatment of depression, partially invalidating fifty years of prescriptions and treatment plans. For those with eyes to see, this was an obvious truth; antidepressants only ever drove the user into a numb purgatory, free from low and high feelings alike. Taking SSRIs to solve depression was akin to plugging your ears to stop the irritating dripping of a leaking faucet; the problem remained, perhaps even slowly worsened, while the user can no longer see or feel the symptoms and therefore has found a solution to the problem.

Worse still, SSRIs have horrific withdrawal symptoms including depression and suicide. Antidepressants in general are notoriously difficult to stop.

Do not take antidepressants.

Happy pills are a bad ending that will only lead to psychosis and suicide.

Counseling and Therapy¶

Tread here with caution. I would generally avoid if possible, and if you do seek professional psychological help, do so with an eye for frauds and salesmen.

Of the four friends I know with psychology related degrees and work, three are on antidepressants and self-medicate with marijuana. Many people who enter the field of psychology have deep scars and wounds themselves, and enter to help themselves and others like them. I suppose I’m a hypocrite in saying this while writing an article about my personal experiences and recommendations for dealing with sadness.

Personally, I have had a good experience meeting with a counselor, described above. I believe I was one of the lucky ones, and that Benslyne was one of the good ones. I may have influenced her practice as she now focuses on parent-child relationships. It’s possible that there are many good meaning psychologists and psychotherapists out there, but I figure that most people in the field of psychology will do you more harm than good and leave you with none of your problems resolved, drowning in antidepressants.

Leverage Family¶

Contribute to a family group and, with Christian guidance or without, be a blessing to them. Help the kids with their homework, help with chores and tasks, run errands, give rides, and serve your loved ones.

If your family is bitter and broken, consider starting a new one after much time interacting with healthy families to help you determine what went wrong with yours. Even if things seem grim, your relationships with each member of your family is probably within reach and not beyond repair. When searching for a wife, you are searching for a rare thing in this day; a good wife is more precious than jewels¹⁰.

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, ²when they see your respectful and pure conduct. ³Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— ⁴but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. ⁵For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, ⁶as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

⁷Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

– 1 Peter 3:1-7 ESV

Leverage Community¶

• Men’s groups⁷, gyms, airsoft fields, gun and archery ranges, hiking groups, and jobs all serve as grounding. Men are made to be in community, and you are no exception to that rule.
• Get involved at Church and meet other churchgoers during the week for casual activities - hiking, board games, or hobbies.

Salvation Through Christ¶

⁵A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, is God in his holy habitation. ⁶God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land.

– Psalm 68:5-6 NKJV

God is a father to the fatherless, and the fatherless areas of our lives. To resolve the aforementioned lack of strong male figures, men need only to look to Jesus, a carpenter who after a severe beating was able to drag a 300 pound cross made of solid wood (or at least the 100lb crossbar,) up the way of sorrow to Calvary.

To dwell in a dry land is deadly. With no food, a man can last weeks. With no water, just days. Why wander in the wastes and remove yourself from your own good?

¹⁰Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

– Isaiah 41:10 KJV

⁶Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. ⁷And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ⁸Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

– Philippians 4:6-8 KJV

Conclusion¶

So, how should one handle profound sadness?

Immediately, solve the problems you can solve, and apply self care. Long term, plan and execute solutions to your larger problems and ensure you are living as your truest self while taking proper care of your body and soul.

To take care of your body: Feed yourself correctly with wholesome natural foods, ensure your living space is bright and clean, get regular exercise, and occasionally indulge in simple pleasures.

To take care of your soul: Spend time with and help your family to thrive and grow, participate in a community of people who are living golden lives in Christ, and hate evil things.

As far as I can tell there is no easy way - only a good way.

²⁸Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

– Matthew 11:28-30 KJV